


Suicidal Tendencies

by Theirstoryisepic



Category: Sons of Anarchy
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hand Jobs, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Masturbation, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-08
Updated: 2016-03-12
Packaged: 2018-05-12 13:55:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5668438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Theirstoryisepic/pseuds/Theirstoryisepic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He was in the middle of washing up the dishes when he went quiet. I looked up from my seat at the table and saw Juice in some sort of trance. He was staring at the bread knife he had in his hand, I called his name but he didn't seem to hear me. - Cute Chibs and Juice moments.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The night of

I had the boy in my arms, he was crying; sobbing in fact, had been for the past five minutes. I knew I shouldn't have shoved him, multiple times into the ground and I knew I shouldn't have yelled at him. But honestly I had no idea what to do. I mean what would you do if your saw a Brother destroying the evidence of his failed suicide? I didn't know that he had gotten this bad; I knew he wasn't doing great after getting out of jail and the thing with the fucking traitor Miles. Truth was, I was rattled, and I mean why didn't he come to me about this? He's always confided in me with a whole lot of personal shite, but why not now? Especially with this. And also I couldn't lose him, I've already lost so much in my life, I couldn't lose him too.

After ten minutes I couldn't hold him any longer. "Juice?" he was still letting out little sobs. "Juice, yeh gotta get up Brother, I canno' keep holdin' yeh like this." He finally stood up and pulled away from me. He turned his back to me, sniffed a couple of times and wiped his face with his hoodies' sleeve. He rolled his shoulders back, standing up straight and slowly turned to face me. I couldn't quite see the look on his face as it was too dark here but it seemed hardened, like stone. This was completely different to the 'deer caught in the headlights' look he had when I arrived and caught him trying to get unhook the chain from the branch.

"I suppose yeh not gonna tell me what tha' was about?" I asked gesturing towards him referring to the little intimate moment we just experienced together. "Or even the suicide…" gesturing to the chain that I had dropped at the branch that seemed to have broken off the tree.

He replied with a no in a monotone voice, I then pushed him further, "Have yeh spoken to someone about this?" To which he replied with another no.

"Why didn' yeh come to me before Juicy? Or go to one of the boys?"

"And say what? That ever since I got out everything has turned to shit. The shit with the Russians, with the coke and then Miles," he'd said this in a booming voice, his voice breaking when he mentioned the bastard. "That I can't sleep at night because all I see are the Russians faces that I killed and then I turn around and see Miles' dead body, waking up hoping that it wasn't true, that killing them happened in my dream. I mean I knew that when I finally did kill someone it wouldn't be all sun shine and daisies but I didn't expect to feel like this." His rage started to fade and he was speaking quieter. "Confessing that kind of shit to a brother is what gets you labelled as untrustworthy. I'd rather die knowing that my brothers love me even if they found me hanging from tree and questioning it than them thinking me of untrustworthy. I love you Brother, but I couldn't risk coming to you and telling you the truth." He looked up at my face then and I don't know exactly what he saw but he faked a slight laugh and said, "Ha right, cry me a river, like you need to hear about this."

"DO you want die, Juice?" asking a bit harshly. He replied with a swift shake of his head.

"Juice, I know where you're coming from; I've been in that head space when I first killed for the Irish, but to actually go and try kill yourself…?"

"Yeah, well I failed, I'm alive and…" He said; his sentencing fading.

"Well I'm not leaving you tonight, so ride bitch and I'll take you home. We can come and pick up your bike in the morning." My voice was firm, so he didn't go against it.

The ride to his house was a good thirty minutes, but within ten he was falling asleep; I could feel his grip loosening and his head jerking every few minutes. I took my time driving, enjoying the ride despite spending the whole trip nudging him, making sure he wouldn't fall off the bike. When we arrived in his driveway I waited for him to get off and then basically dragging him inside and forcing him into the shower to wash off all the dirt and leaves and the day away. While he was in the shower I made the both of us eggs and toast, ass there wasn't much else in his fridge. When he came out of the bathroom he just had a pair of sweats on and no shirt, I could see there were bruises forming on his back thanks to me shoving him earlier. We sat down and ate without much conversation. Juice stood up and cleaned up after we finished. He was in the middle of washing up the dishes when he went quiet. I looked up from my seat at the table and saw Juice in some sort of trance. He was staring at the bread knife he had in his hand, I called his name but he didn't seem to hear me. So I slowly rose from my chair and made my way towards him, careful not to startle him. I said his name again when I reached him, to which he replied with a "yeah" that came out as a murmur, his eyes still on the knife.

"What are yeh doin', Brother?" I asked in a whisper. I deliberately reached out with one hand and held the knifes' handle over Juices' hand and loosed his grip on the knife and with my other hand grabbed the instrument. Juice didn't protest he just lowered his hand and stood quiet for a few minutes.

"I don't know," he said, almost forgetting that I asked him something. He closed his eyes and shook his head hard, getting himself out of his dream state and then just continuing on with the dishes as if nothing happened.

The dishes done and the kitchen clean we ended up in the lounge room watching some old black and white movie that Juice picked. I was slowly drinking a beer while Juice was knocking back several shots of whiskey, after my discord. The movie ended and Juice was passed out with his feet on the coffee table and his head on my shoulder. I nudged him awake and helped him to his room and into his bed as he was tripping over his own feet and he fell asleep almost immediately. I went to the kitchen and fished out a bag of frozen peas to put on his neck and a glass of water and aspirin for him to wake up to. I put the glass and aspirin on the bedside table and the peas on his neck. He flinched at the sudden coldness but didn't reject it. His sleeping form looked peaceful, as though nothing had really happened.

I went into the lounge room and took a seat on the couch, taking off my boots and placing both my gun and knives on his coffee table and lay down and tried to sleep and prepare what he was going to say to Jax in the morning.


	2. Chapter 2

During breakfast the next morning at Juices' I brought up the fact that we should to go to the club about his suicide attempt. Without even giving it a second thought or hearing me out he started mumbling about how nobody could know and that he's not going to do it again and that I should stop worrying about it.

"Juicy, I know you don't want the club to find out about… what you did, but I think I should at least tell Jax," he looked up at me with fear in his eyes and started shaking his head quite violently. "Juice. Juice!" I said raising my one of my hands up towards him, "Stop, just listen." I explained myself when he stopped shaking his head, "I can convince Jacky to keep it to himself, for a while, until you start getting better and then he won't have a reason to tell the club."

After reluctantly agreeing with me, we finished our breakfast in silence, I then gave Jax a call, asking to meet Juice and me at TM in about an hour. Before leaving I had a shower and thought of how to convince him to keep Juices' little secret to himself, while Juice cleaned up and changed. I took my time riding to TM, Juice was nervous, I could feel him playing with his hands on my stomach; he was still riding bitch as his bike was still at the warehouse.

Jax wasn't there when we arrived so we waited for him in the garage. He arrived around 10 minutes after we got there; to which Juice was pacing the room. Juice had told Jax a simplified version of what he had told me last night and after a little convincing on my behalf, he promised to keep it a secret for now.

I drove the van to the warehouse with Juice to pick up his bike and met him back at the clubhouse where I had to pick up something and meet up with the boys. Jax had given Juice a job which kept him here at the clubhouse instead of with the cartel shit. When I met the boy in the clubhouse he was at the bar finishing off a shot and pouring himself another.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, you wanna slow down there Boyo?" I cautioned him.

"Gotta prove I'm getting better right? Well this will help me," he lifted up his glass for emphasise, it wasn't working the boy looked broken more so than ever.

Next couple of days I spent the nights at his house keeping him company but the boy was still distant and looking worse with each passing day. One night I turned up at his and he wasn't there, assuming he just went for a ride I didn't think too much about it and just got comfortable on his couch. I must have fallen asleep because I woke up and it was light outside. I got up and stretched out some of the kinks in my back and walked down the hallway to Juices' bedroom, his bed was untouched. I started to get really worried then, I called his cell and he didn't answer. I went straight to the clubhouse, thinking he may have crashed there for the night, but his bike wasn't there and the rooms were all empty. I spent the day worrying where the boy was, calling him every few hours hoping he wasn't hurt or worse hanging from a tree somewhere.

When I arrived at TM seeing Juice there, it felt like a weight had lifted off my shoulders. I wanted to pull the boy into a hug when I saw him, but I knew that would raise a few eyebrows so instead I put an arm around his neck while I passed him heading into the clubhouse.

That night I rode back with Juice to his house. When we got inside I slammed the door and started yelling at him. "What the hell were you thinking? I mean not even a phone call? The whole day all I could picture was you hanging from a tree somewhere dead!" I regretted saying that the second it came out. Juice had stop dead in his tracks. After a few minutes of attempting and failing at calming myself and trying to apologise all I could get out was a pathetic "sorry."

"No, it's okay I deserved that," he'd said after a while. He slowly unfroze from where he was and took a seat on the couch. "Look, truth is, I didn't call because I didn't know what to say. I mean the sheriff's been riding me, I just needed to go and cool off." I went and joined him on the couch, and he looked at me then, "I'm sorry, Brother." He then looked back to the ground, hanging his head.

"S'okay, just don't do it again." I said as I gave the back of his neck a squeeze and letting go. "You're really starting to worry Jax and I, Brother. You need to try fix this and soon boy."

"yeah… yeah I know. It's just gonna take some time and a little bit of space…" He said as he looked up at me.

"You asking me to leave Juicy?" I asked.

"Yeah… I mean I appreciate all you've done, it might not look it, but you've helped me a lot. But now I need to start dealing with things on my own Chibs." He answered.

"Okay, bu' it anything happens or yeh need ta talk, don' just go of on one of yeh rides again. Come find me or call me and I'll help yeh anyway I can." I got up from the couch and motioned to him to do the same. When he got up with a groan I pulled him into a tight hug, and before letting him go I tilted my head so I could say to him in a whisper, "I'm here for you my Brother." And gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and pulled away. Moving my hands to his biceps and waiting for him to look at me I say to him "I love yeh Juice."

"Love you man, and thanks, for everything." He replied.

I gave his shoulder a pat and walked to the door, before leaving I turned to him and say "call me anytime Brother," and then head out the door and head home. That night I stayed up, hoping I did the right thing. Hoping he didn't do anything.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bit of drunkness, a day off from the club and some Chibs and Juicey time

It had been a few days since I left Juice's and haven't spoken to or seen too much of him. We're all in the clubhouse having a drink and Juice is sitting on the couch in the corner by himself with a half empty bottle of whiskey. The kid had both seemed and looked pretty lost lately, but now all he looked was drunk. Pretty sure the kid had been there since I confronted him in the bathroom, telling him to basically get over it; shit happens.

After a few drinks the boys started heading home; by eleven Tig, Juice and I were the only ones left; given Tig was on his way to a room with a Crow Eater. I took a shot of whiskey and went over to sit with Juice to let him know that I'm there for him. We just sat in the clubhouse for a few hours drinking without a word, being comforted by each other's company.

"I was wrong," Juice had blurted out into the silence, his words slurring.

"Wrong abou' wha'?" I asked him.

"I can't deal with this on my own," he admitted in a whisper, lowering his head in what looked like shame.

"Why don't we ge' yeh home Juicey?" I suggested, getting a nod in reply. "And why don't I drive us home in the van?" Getting yet another quiet nod. We reached the van and just I was about to get into the drivers side, Juice had grabbed my arm and spun me around. He pulled me into a tight hug, knocking the wind out of me, I hugged him back. "Thanks Brother," he whispered in my ear and pulled away. He then grabbed the sides of my face and kissed me on the lips, it was quick and hard, I didn't really question it, I just assumed that because he was drunk and he didn't mean anything by it.

I got Juice to his house and inside to the bathroom just in time as he threw up in the sink, not quite making it to the toilet. I got him undressed and into the shower, leaving him, I went into the lounge room and turned on the TV and put on a movie I wasn't paying attention to. Juice returned a while later, seeming a little less drunk and looking exhausted. He sat on the lounge with me and within minutes he was passed out, dropping his head on my shoulders and his feet up on the coffee table. I started drifting in and out of consciousness, when I heard the credits of the movie begin I turned the TV down. Somewhat later I woke up to Juice moving silently into the kitchen. The tap starting running and I heard water splashing, and then I heard him talking. "You're an idiot, you got brothers that love you, would die for you and you fucked it all up," then I heard shuffling of feet. I got up then and walked to the kitchen and stopped at the door. Juice was on the floor, leaning against the bench, his arms around his legs and his face on his knees, his body shaking.

I moved towards him, making my presence known and grabbed his arms and pulled him into a hug. My arms were wrapped around his neck, I;m surprised I wasn’t chocking him I held him that tight. I could smell whiskey, weed and his lavender soap. I could feel his fingers digging into my back as if he was holding onto dear life, and his ragged breath on my neck and he was warm, almost too warm.

As I pulled away I saw something written on his face, it was only for a second and it was dark, but I'm sure I saw the look despair. "There's something you're not telling me isn't there? The reason you canno' deal with this yehself? Yeh know, other than what I already know?" I asked him, my hands squeezing the back of his neck.

He quickly glanced up at me and then his eyes went back to the floor, for about a minute he kept opening and closing his mouth, thinking about what to say. "I'm not askin' yeh to make yeh tell me what it is boy, just do me the curtesy of acknowledging it." I said to him, and in reply he looked up at me with teary eyes and nodded his head once, firmly. "At least tell me you're alright? I mean if yeh in any danger yeh would tell meh, wouldn't you?"

"I'm fine Chibs. Really," he said, returning his eyes back to the floor.

"Okay, well why don't you ge' to bed, we're both exhausted and we need the sleep." I suggested, not knowing what else to do for him at the moment.

 

Juice and I had the day off so we decided to go out for breakfast and head back to TM to get our bikes. Juice didn't seem like he wanted to spend the day with the guys and so we went for ride and stopped after a few hours in a town where no one knew us and where there was a beach. We didn't wear out kutts and Juice looked happy to be free from the club, the responsibilities and the guilt that had become apparent since leaving the confines of the prison. We had lunch before sussing out the town, Juice found a video game shop and he spent a good hour in there and came out with what he said was a good find. We roamed the main street just looking through the shops before heading down to the beach. We went in the water for an hour before deciding it was time to head back home.

After heading to TM to check on things Juice and I went to pick up food for dinner and then went back to my house, considering I hadn't actually been home for a few days, as I was either at the club or at Juice’s.

We heated up our dinner and ate while playing cards, teaching Juice some tricks and drinking some beers. We played for a few hours, enjoying the rest of our day off. 

"You seemed happy today Juice, happier than I've seen you in a long time." I noted to him. I didn't get a response from him, which is what I expected. 

Deciding that I was tired enough for sleep, I took a quick shower, while I changed into sweats and a wife beater Juice had a shower. I pulled out a blanket from the cupboard and grabbed one of my pillows off my bed and dumbed them on the couch just as Juice emerged from the bathroom. I stood in front of the couch, looked at it and then up at Juice who was making his way towards me and the couch, and then I looked back at the couch. “I don’t think ye’ going to fit on this man.” letting out a snort.

“it’s okay man, i can just head back home. No biggie.”

“No Juice, it’s to late and I’m not letting ye’ by yourself. If I can help it,” at that remark Juice bowed his head to the pillow and blanket on the couch, seemingly embarrassed. After a moment of thinking I said to him, “look just grab the pillow and come and share my bed. It’s plenty big for the both of us,” he looked up at me at that moment and stayed that way, feet glued to the floor. “C’mon,” I said as I picked up the pillow, patting his bare chest and gave him a little shove as I waked past him. Walking down the hallway I heard his feet paddling behind me. 

When I approached my side of the bed I threw Juice’s pillow on the other side, I looked up and Juice appeared at the threshold of my bedroom, I motioned a hand towards the bed. He feverishly walked over and pulled back the covers and got in. As he was getting into bed I turned on my bedside lamp, turned off the ceiling light. When I got back to my side of the bed I hesitated only for 0.1 of a second before getting into bed beside Juice. I mean after all it wasn’t weird… right? We mumbled our goodnights and I turned off the lamp. I turned onto the side that I always slept on, which so happened to be facing Juice, who also happened to be facing me. I could see Juice’s face clearly from the street light that was shinning brightly through the window that was above our heads. Normally I shut the curtains before bed, but forgot to tonight. Juice was awake, his eyes were open and looking straight at me. He had his top arm place over the blanket and his other arm was under the pillow and his head. Looking away from his face, I moved my eyes to his bare chest, watching it slowly rise and fall, all I could hear was his breath and mine, slowly syncing with one another as I kept looking at his chest. I realised to late that it was probably weird of me to be looking at his chest so I pried my eyes away and looked up at him. His eyes were still open and looking at me, a little smelling creeping up on one side of his mouth, though it didn’t fit the rest of his facial expression. His eyes were full of such sadness, it was heartbreaking, and his brows were furrowed, as if he were doing some serious thinking.

I didn’t realise it at first but Juice was holding his breath, which I was to, as I was breathing with him. He let out a long, slow breath, as did I with him. I could smell the peppermint mouthwash of mine that he must of used and a hint of the beer we’d been drinking before. 

Breaking the long, surprisingly comfortable silence, Juice says, “I’m sorry, Chibs.” Even though he whispered, his apology seemed to fill the room, his voice filled with such sorrow and desperation.

Studying his face for a few moments, I move my hand up to the back of Juice’s neck, lifting up the blanket and letting cool air rush under it. “Juicey-Boy, you’ve go’ nothin’ to be sorry about… I know where yeh coming from. Believe me, wha’ your feeling, you can’ help tha’, just give it some time, but don’ let it eat you up inside. And wha’ yeh did, jumpin’ off tha’ tree, sure it was stupid, but don’ apologies, yeh just made a mistake is all.” I pulled his face towards me and moved towards his, bumping our foreheads together, “you ever feel like doin’ tha’ again, you come to me, or you call me if I’m no’ close.” His breathing had starting to pick up a little, “okay?” He nodded his head slightly and let out a quiet “yeah” and I could feel his breath on my face. Pushing his down towards my chest a little and leaning up slightly, I planted a kiss on the top of his, arguably a little longer than sociably acceptable. I pulled away from him and told him to get some sleep, to which he agreed, said goodnight again and moved his head back on the pillow. He stayed facing me and I him, and we fell sleep, our breathing synced and close enough to feel one another’s breath on our faces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do I finish here? Do I not? idk, let me know if you like it. I just adore these two muchly


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Juice decided to fess up to Chibs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I decided to continue this, however it’s been a while and I haven’t read the first three chapters for a while, so if I repeat something or something’s different from what I said earlier it’s because I forgot and didn’t bother to go and check… sorry

It’s been a few months and Club business is quiet, we’re not fighting or in any disagreements with the surrounding gangs meaning we haven’t had to kill anyone, our gun running has had no interference and the cops have stayed out of our hair. All in all things have been quiet. That being said, I’m ready for shit to hit the fan with something or someone soon. But for the moments it’s been nice not having to worry that we’re going to get stabbed or shot when we turn out backs, so to say.

Juice seems to be doing better lately, he seems more lively, more himself since getting out of jail. His disappearing acts have stopped, I guess that was just him re-acclimatising himself and processing all the shit that was going on with the club. He hasn’t been out on many runs or anything for the club, that was Jax’ idea, letting him settle down, so he’s been updating the Clubs’ security system and working in the garage.

I’ve been staying at Juice’s most nights, I mean since I found him in the woods that night, he stayed at mine for a few weeks but we decided his place was better. He had the bigger and better TV screen to watch mindlessly and drink beer when we’re to fucked to anything after a long day with club business, he also had a better and bigger bed. I mean there isn’t anything going on but sleep in it, but there is something comforting about waking up to a warm body beside you. Albeit, it gets a little awkward when one of us has morning wood, but it’s all forgotten after our – separate – showers before breakfast. The brothers knew about my staying at Juice’s but I played it off as looking out for the little shit as well as the fact that they don’t think I spend as much time there as I really do. 

I’ve been on a run with Tig that past three days and fuck I’ve never been so happy to see the “Welcome to Charming” sign… well I guess once, after getting out of jail, but the point remains the same. We get back to the TM at noon, just before church. Tig and I were the last to sit down, which was odd because Juice wasn’t in his seat. We filled the boys in on our run and they caught us up on what little had happened while we were away. Jax gave Tig and I the rest of today and tomorrow off. As we started heading out Jax asked me to stay behind. Apparently Juice had had a drunken mishap the night Tig and I left and crashed his bike and broken his leg. 

As I turned onto Juice’s street I could see Jemma’s car parked on the street. When I walked through the front door and into Juice’s lounge room, I was bombarded with the smell of Jemma’s famous chilli which was perfect because I haven’t had a decent meal in days. 

I reached the kitchen to find Jemma cleaning a pot in the sink, “hey sweetheart, Juice is asleep in his room, so don’t go waking him up, he’s absolutely fine.”

I gave her nod and walked on through to the bathroom and then to check on Juice. I creaked open his door and looked in. He was sprawled out with the blankets tangled around his legs, wearing a pair of shorts and no shirt, a sheen of sweat covering his chest and forehead. From where I was at the door, I could see the right side of his ribs was covered in a bandage, his arm had road rash and his face had a few cuts on it and his right leg was in a cast that was elevated by a few cushions from the couch in the lounge room. Damn. That kid is an idiot. I can’t leave him alone for a few hours before he does something stupid.

Within half an hour of my arrival Jemma had filled me in with Juice and his accident, his medication and meals she has cooked and put in the fridge and freezer for us because she knew that since Juice was bed ridden we’d be having a lot of take away as I can barely cook toast. I’m assuming then that Jax isn’t the only one that knows where I’m sleeping these days. 

Jemma left pretty soon after that, leaving me to situate myself again after a few days. After a few more helpings of chilli and a scalding hot shower I turned on the TV and within minutes fell asleep on the couch. 

The next thing I knew it was about six in the morning and I had slept for a good fourteen hours. After getting up off that god awful couch, I make myself a cup of tea, go pee and check up o Juice. Like I did yesterday, I open his door quietly and when I peak my head in the door, he is say up again the headboard, his laptop on his lap, typing away. 

“Mornin’ lad, how’re doin’?” I say as I glance over his cuts and bruises on his body. They look worse now than they did yesterday afternoon.

Juice pulled his gaze away from his computer screen, still typing a few words, stops and replies, “hey Chibby!” with a little too much enthusiasm.

I walk over to his side of the bed and check on his wounds, “Jesus Christ Juicey yeh idiot. You better be getting some good fuckin meds for this.” I took his old bandages off his ribs and torso, washed them with warm water and reapplied new bandages, all the while he had put his computer away, layed down, had his arms behind his head on the pillow and didn’t complain. After giving him his meds and some water, I was about to sit on my side of the bed I stopped. I looked at where I was about to sit, then at Juice, then behind me at the door. How is it that we got to the point where I had a “my side” of Juice’s bed? If I’m being honest with myself, there is a part of me that jumps for fucking joy, but a big part of me is scared shitless. If the club finds out about this… I honestly don’t know what’ll happen and I don’t want to know.

So instead of sitting next to him, I sat on the end of the bed, one leg tucked under my arse the other on the floor. It killed me to do that but I couldn’t. When I looked up at Juice, he looked confused and I’m pretty there was a bit of sadness painted on his face. That quickly vanished and he asked me how the run was. I told him exactly what I did to the other brothers yesterday in church.

A silence fell between us, avoiding eye contact I was looking down at my hands. “So Juice, what happened?” I asked nodding towards his broken leg. He sat up then, dragging his body closer to the headboard, I helped move the cushions for his leg to keep elevated. 

“Uhh… I don’t know man. I had a bit too much to drink, thought I was fine and decided it was a good idea to drive my bike home. Bad decision I guess; my bike is totalled.”

“Kid, you’ve barely had a sip of alcohol for the past two months. Why start up again?” I’d been pretty proud of the kid actually, it takes a lot of resilience to stop drinking in our line of work, specially for a guy like Juice, who wears his heart on his sleeve. Juice didn’t reply, he just looked away from me and down at his leg, scratching it just under the cast. “Juice, look, I just wanna help. I’m no’ judging you.”

He let out a heavy sigh, keeping his eyes on his fiddling hands, “Chibs, it was- it was the first real night that we’ve spent apart for months, I mean sure there have been nights where you pass out at the club or we get sick of each other and you sleep at yours. But the other night was the first real night that I’ve had to myself and I couldn’t handle it. I’m not good on my own, especially this past year- and that’s not me saying it’s your fault, it’s not, so don’t even think about feeling guilty. But when you left here I started watching tv but I started getting agitated, so I tried playing my X Box and when that didn’t work I thought ‘fuck it’ and I went to the club and joined the others and started drinking. It was the only thing I could think of that would stop me thinking about what’s happened this past year and it felt good…” He looked up at me then, his tears were threatening to spill over.

“I-uh… I thought you were past it?”

“I thought that to, until you left,” and then his tears overflowed and he made no attempt to wipe them away. I reach towards his face with my right hand to wipe them away, I stopped just I was about to touch his face, realising what I was doing and pulled my hand back and into my lap.

“Juice, it’s been months, can you- tell me what really happened. And don’t you start denying that shit again. Just- just tell me,” I pleaded.

He fell silent, he opened his mouth but nothing came out and he closed it again and just looked at me. After about a minute he dropped his gaze back to his hands. “Chibs, I can’t. What happened it’s- it’ll kill me... literally. You find out and I’m dead, whether it be by you or someone from the club.”

Thinking a few minutes, “Juice, I’ve been basically living with you for the past few months. We’ve been sleeping in the same fucking bed; how do you think the club’ll react to that? I mean club rules don’t specify about this shit, but if the boys find out? We’re out. I mean I know that might not be as equal to what you’re hiding, but you gotta know kid, whatever is said between us, it’s not going to go back to the club. You can trust me kid.” 

“This isn’t something that can be forgiven or forgotten. Hell it’s something that I tried to kill myself over… and if I’m being honest here, I’d try again if I thought about to much.” He looked up at me then, I could tell by both his voice and the blank expression on his face that he was serious. 

“Not to sound harsh or anything, but you can’t get away from this Juice. Whether the club finds out or you start thinking about to much when I go on another run one day without you… you’re dead either way.”

He just looked up at me, contemplating, “okay.” So he told me. Everything. From Roosevelt to the coke to Miles and to the deal with the AUSA and everything in between. He looked up from his hands and at me and it looked like there had been a weight lifted of his shoulders. He looked relieved, that quickly vanished and I guess it was the look on my face. I couldn’t tell you what that look was though, my face felt numb, hell my whole body. I was angry. I was disappointed. Hell I was a little upset that he didn’t come to me when Roosevelt spoke to him about his father being black. I pulled out my smokes, lighting one, thinking of what to say. I mean what do I say to that? Am I supposed to yell? To scream bloody murder? So I just sat there, smoking, bidding my time, thinking of talking to him or just leaving. As a few minutes passed by, I looked up at him, he was staring blankly ahead. I kept my eyes on him until he looked back at me with teary eyes, he bit his lip and his tears overflowed and looked away from me. Once I finished my third smoke, I got up silently and walked to the door.

“Chibs-don’t, please…” he sounded upset but I couldn’t be near him, not right now. So I looked at him one last time and walked out the door.

*

I walked through Juice’s front door a little past dark. After riding around for a few hours not stopping for anything except to refuel the bike. I still didn’t know what to say to him, don’t even think I wanted to see him, but before I knew where I really was I had walked down the hallway and was at his bedroom door, which was wide open. I stood in the frame, looking at his sleeping form. I couldn’t sleep in his bed, hell I couldn’t sleep under the same roof as him, but I couldn’t just leave him and let him come up with crazy conclusions and just decide to go find another tree. So I left a note:

“Call me the minute you wake up. Doesn’t matter the time.   
I didn’t tell the club.   
– Chibs.”

I left it on my- the pillow next to him.

*

It’s odd coming back to my place, I mean sure I come back here after a day or two to get fresh clothes or something a rather, but coming back here to sleep, especially today. I planed to shower and get some sleep but once I got into bed I couldn’t stop thinking about everything Juice had told me… now I get why he turned to booze the other night. However, in case he called I couldn’t risk getting drunk right now. Instead I took a few sleeping pills and let them do the work.

Juice called me around half past eight in the morning and I was at his by nine. I walked through the front door, down the hallway and into his room. He was sitting up against the headboard of his bed and chewing his nails, something he did when he was nervous. 

Juice must have heard me because he looked up then, “Chibs, hey,” he said in a small voice. I replied with a “morning” and before anything else was said I went over to him to check his wounds, stalling the inevitable conversation ahead. After washing and bandaging his wounds I sat on the chair next to his open window, pulled out a smoke and lit it, halfway through it, still not knowing what to really say, I asked him, “why didn’t you just leave? I mean you’ve had multiple chances.”

He looked at me a little shocked, and yeah I get it, he probably thought that I wanted him to leave, that’s how it sounded. “You know why Chibs,” he said, his voice a little hoarse. “I’ve got no one. No family. No friends. No where to go. And I can’t- I don’t know how to start again. I mean you know my history Chibs, all my life I’ve gone where people to tell me to go and do whatever they tell me to do. I wouldn’t know where to go if I left here. Hell I don’t even know what I’d do, considering my history with the law.” He looked down at his again and sounding even more broken, “you and the club is all I’ve got, and I know I fucked up big time but I didn’t know what to do, so I stayed.” He glanced over at me under his lashes, his face and eyes were tired and but there was an underlying of fear.

“Okay,” I mean I didn’t know what to say

“Okay?” he asked, confusion and shock were clear as day on his face.

“Yeah, okay. Look you fucked up… majorly, but you made a mistake that resulted in a shit load of other things happening but we can’t do anything to change it now and your secret is safe with me lad.”

“Wow. Um... thanks I guess.”

“Look that doesn’t mean that I’m not still pissed off at you kid. You should have come to me the second Roosevelt spoke to you about your father. But like I said, we can’t do anything now. I’m no’ forgiving you either. I’m just moving past it.” Silence fell between for a few minutes, I kept my eyes on Juice, who had his eyes on the wall opposite him, nodding a few times to himself. “And in the future, you come to me or you call me before you think about doing anything stupid alright?” He looked over at me, again he had tears in his eyes, he attempted to reply but nothing came out, so instead he just nodded vigorously.

“I’m sorry Chibs,” he said in a whispered tone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think of itt (:


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So it's just Juice n Chibs... full exclosure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this is the first time I’ve written fanfiction with any real sexual content, so please comment and tell me if any of this is wrong or if it’s shit. But please don’t be to harsh

Juice and I haven’t really spoken much in the past two days since he told me about what he did. All that’s really been said between the two of us were mostly about his injuries and if he’s hurting or sore anywhere, other than that it’s him asking me to help him into the bathroom. Juice is practically incapacitated. The cast on his leg covers his foot to mid thigh. I’ve assigned myself to garage duties for the next few weeks while Juice gets better so I’m close to look after him. Jax offered a prospect to look on him during the day but with the medication he’s been taking, God knows what the idiot will say to them. I mean even though I haven’t forgiven him and won’t forgive him for what he’s done, I can’t let him fess up to some bumbling idiot while in a drugged state. Hell I can’t let him fess up to it, period. If it was anyone else that did what Juice did, I’d put a bullet in between their eyes, no hesitation, but I can’t do that with Juice. 

After a long day in the garage and a few drinks with Tig, Bobby and Hap, I get to Juice’s around midnight. I go straight for the kitchen and poor myself a generous amount of whiskey and down it, feeling the slight burn of it. Before checking on Juice I head to the shower and then change into my wife beater and sweats. When I reach Juice’s room I feel the effects of the whiskey. I lean against the door frame, looking at Juice watching a movie on TV, the one from the lounge room that I moved into his room. He was wearing a pair of loose shorts and no shirt, the blanket at the end of the bed. Without saying a word, I walk over to him, checking his wounds, most of them have healed and don’t need to be covered. There is still a nasty cut on his side that I wash and after taping it up, I find my fingers lingering over the bandage and slowly over his smooth torso, up to his hairless chest. I feel him shudder under my touch. Fuck, what did I just do? Why the fuck did I have that whiskey when I got here? That sudden movement knocking my out of my trance, I quickly move my hand from him and stand up, a little to quickly making light headed, I stubble forward and catch myself on the edge of the bed, sobering up pretty quickly after that.

I walked around to the end of his bed, “d’you need anything before I go to sleep?” I’d been sleeping on his couch, after two days my back had been killing me but I couldn’t sleep in his bed. 

He tried replying but it sounded like something was stuck in his throat, so he cleared it with a cough and said “no. Thanks, I’m good.” As I reached the door he called my name, “Chibs, you don’t have to sleep on the couch, I’ve slept on it before and it killed my back. You can just stay in here if you want.”

I was going to object but I didn’t think I could last another night on that shit excuse of a couch, so I close the bedroom door, turned out the light and got in beside Juice. The TV was still on at low volume, he was watching some horror movie, a girl was getting sliced in half by some guy in a mask. Juice stayed sitting up against the headboard, while I laid down on the pillow on my back, arm covering my arm. Pulling up the blanket around my waist.

“How’s the garage, anything going on with Club business?” Juice asked, the first real conversation starter we’ve had in the past days.

“Garage is good; it’s starting to pick up now that there hasn’t been anyone bombing it or shooting it up in the past couple of months. Club business is pretty quiet, though a few us are waiting for the other shoe to drop. How about you Lad? What’s going on in that head of yours?”

“It’s quiet, more so than usual. I mean I’ve been trying to keep myself as busy as I can, which is quite difficult for being bed ridden.”

After a few minutes of comfortable silence, I decide to not pussyfoot around and just say, “Juice, I don’t know what to do here, I mean the next couple of weeks I’m just in the garage, which I guess is okay at the moment because there’s no shit hitting the fan with the club. But what if I need to do a run like the other day with Tig? I mean Jax isn’t gonna keep us together all the time. Am I supposed to trust that you’re going to be okay?”

Juice let out a quick humourless laugh, “I don’t know man, since telling you my head’s a little less clouded and shit, I mean without you or someone else being here during the day I start thinking about everything but it’s… it’s not as bad since I told you. I mean I’m not saying that I’m not gonna have another ‘break’ or whatever and go on a drinking binge, I’m saying that I’m okay at the moment and I’m just gonna concentrate on now rather than stress what’s going to happen later.”

“yeah, okay,” not really knowing how to respond.

There was about ten minutes of silence, only noise coming from the TV. I reached over and grabbed a smoke and lighter from the bedside table, lighting it up and putting the lighter back down. I still had my my arm over my eyes, but by the sounds coming from the movie, there was a sex scene on, whimpering moans from the chick and shit sappy soundtrack. There was movement and a cough beside me coming from Juice, I lift my arm and turned my head to face him, he had moved the blanket up, covering his crotch, I guess the kid hadn’t gotten much action lately. Teasing I decide to ask him when the last time he got his dick sucked.

“Why? You offering old man?” the kid laughingly asked, quite confidently. I looked up at him, with the lighting from the TV I was able to see a smirk across his face, his eyes crinkling at the sides. Leaning over to the bedside table, I put my cigarette butt out and face Juice, leaning on my elbow. Looking into his eyes, I call his bluff, “what if I am,” I said, keeping my face serious and move my face a little closer to his, waiting for his reaction. His face went to stone then, eyes wide and mouth in a straight line. I heard him swallow hard, his Adams apple bobbing up and down. 

I waited a few moments before reaching a hand slowly up to touch his cheek, stoking my thumb over a nearly healed cut and then I leaned in, our lips touching softly. After three agonisingly long seconds Juice started to reciprocate. I traced my tongue around his lips and then forced my way into his mouth. I could taste his spearmint toothpaste when I ran my tongue along the inside of his teeth. When I moved my hand that was on his check to his bare chest Juice put one of his hands on the back of my neck, pulling me impossibly closer. I ran my hand over his chest, stopping shortly to pull his erect nipple. I continued my journey down his belly, under the blanket, resting my hand on his cock, over his shorts. Juice pulled his lips away from mine, resting his forehead on mine, panting. He raised his hips and grinded against my palm, groaning softly. I rubbed his cock a few times through his shorts, leaning in to connect our lips together. After kissing long and slow for a few minutes, I pushed the blanket out of the way and slipped my hand into shorts and took hold of his weeping cock. Juice pulled his lips away again, trying to catch his breath and I moved mind to his neck, kissing my down, stopping every few seconds, at the nap of his neck and sucking, licking my down and over his check. Stopping to suck on the same nipple as before. Juice arched his back at that, moaning loudly in pleasure, letting out a string of curse words. I kissed my way down his stomach and stopped at the edge of his shorts. Letting go of his cock, with an objecting whine from Juice, I pulled his shorts down just past his ass and cock. I took the base of his cock back in my firm grip, leaned in and closed my lips around the head. I felt Juice’s hand snake it’s way through my hair, his hips keening forward, I swallowed him to the base. I reached down to play with his balls and came up for air, licking at his slit, pre come spurting out. I bobbed up and down his cock while pulling at his balls. After about a minute he was moaning my name amongst many curse words.

“Fuck. Chibs. Gonna- oh God- I’mgonna,” I let his cock fall from my mouth with a wet pop and start stroking him hard while I reach up to kiss him again. He moaned into my mouth and canted his hips, come spurting over my hand and his tanned, smooth stomach. With his tongue in my mouth, I reached into my sweats with a come slicked hand and stroked my very hard and pulsing cock, after four hard and long strokes I came. Our lips parted and I rested my forehead against Juices.

“Fuck,” Juice said in a rough, breathless tone.

Smirking, I replied with an “aye, fuck,” and we stayed there, foreheads resting on each other, catching our breaths. After a comfortable ten minutes of silence and catching our breath, I went into the bathroom to change into new shorts, grab a warm wash cloth to clean up Juice. I wiped his come from his belly and then moved on to his cock. I grabbed the base of it with the wash cloth and gave an agonisingly slow pull from base to tip and over the tip of his cock. He gave a long and cried out moan.

Once both Juice and I were cleaned up, I got back in bed, Juice now lying on his back, one hand under his head, the other on his chest. I got into the same position as Juice on my side – yes it’s my side – of the bed and looked up at the ceiling. I could feel his eyes on me, “what was that?” he asked. 

“I don’ know,” I said as I pulled my eyes away from the ceiling, turning on my side to face him. Juice reached over touch the side of my face, he leaned in and kissed my cheek, licking down the side of the scar, stopped at the corner of my mouth and then touched his lips to mine, once, twice, three times and then leaned back on the pillow again. We fell asleep pretty soon after that, his hand in mine on his bare chest and using his arm as a pillow.


End file.
